The tyranny of the chair cannot go unopposed. Since the dawn of man, students have been confined to the rigid seat. The chair has become an institution, and threatening the supremacy of the chair is tantamount to threatening the chairistas who see fit to decree from their ivory towers which seating apparatuses are “proper.”
I say thee nay. I recently read about a new pilot program in the elementary schools that seeks to replace chairs with rubber “stability” balls. The idea is that the stability balls improve posture and require students to be more alert in class. In other words, they do the job that teachers have been trying to do for years.
Let’s be frank here. Does anyone like chairs? Does anyone walk into a classroom and smile upon seeing a chair attached to a desk? The answer, on both counts, is no. Chairs have become old-hat. We liked chairs before they were popular, but now even our parents sit on them. Chairs, to put it simply, have sold out.
“But it’s not fiscally possible to replace every chair,” our chaired oppressors say. “We would never have the money.”
I find that hard to believe. I propose a modest sales tax on all seats and seat-paraphernalia, the proceeds from which could be funneled directly into a district-wide program to replace all chairs by the year 2012. I understand that this may concern you, since it is common knowledge that the poor buy chairs, while the wealthy invest in them, but this would also result in a lower-class that is more hesitant to spend its money on the chair cartels.
Stability balls also increase teacher accountability. Say, for example, your teacher is advocating the myth of Darwinian evolution. Vote with your seat by giving him a faceful of stability. He’ll think twice about spreading falsehoods in the future, I can tell you that much.
The chair lobby will try to downplay the benefits of the stability ball. After all, what could be more stable than a chair? How could a flexible, rubber ball be associated with stability? Only Big Chair would be so desperate to get into a debate about semantics.
Desperation. That’s the key word. The New Chair Order realizes that its time has come, and it is clawing for any scrap of relevance. But they will find no relevance. The chair is dead.
The day of the stability ball is dawning.
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